Veronica's Story #1: Teeth Guy

So, a guy wrote me through MySpace a while ago saying, "Listen, I know it says on your profile that you don't want to add anyone that you don't know, but you have super cool music tastes and I know it says not to write you but I just wanted to say, hello." So I think, oh, the guy's not bad. For about a year we wrote each other, basically just exchanging travel tips. I don't usually write people back much. He'd ask me if I'd been to London, etc., I would write back giving him tips on where he should go, and he'd write me back with more tips about places he'd gone, including those that I told him to go to. I invited him to my birthday party at On the Rox not too long ago - it was just sort of a friendly gesture, I invited tons of people there. He couldn't make it because he was a fireman and there was an outbreak of wildfires at the time that he had to tend to, but he wrote me that he made me two cd's for my birthday and would love to meet up for a drink with me. At this point I was doing internet dating, going on like two dates a weekend, so I figured, why not?

He lived all the way up by Magic Mountain so I met him at a Starbucks in Sherman Oaks - he picked it, I wouldn't have picked Sherman Oaks. He had all these maps laid out to show me Costa Rica 'cuz he'd gone on a trip to Costa Rica and I was looking to go to the Caribbean. He showed me that and gave me the two cd's he'd made me. I was happy because one of the cd's had a new song on it that I was loving, loving, loving. He seemed cool enough, so we got together for dinner at a Greek restaurant in Sherman Oaks and I had a decent time with him. Then he wanted to go to a bar but I was feeling antsy so I said, no. I mean he was nice enough and he was super interesting... had a job, worked for the FBI, did work to help after 911, made his own wood furniture, etc., but something wasn't right.

So, he invited me over to his house for dinner later that week. He was gonna make me dinner, so I went over. I brought my dog Emerson, he showed me all the furniture he made, his dog and my dog loved each other, ... he bought Chianti for me, he made homemade bruschetta, he owned his own home, was stable, had a job... on paper he was literally everything I was saying I was looking for. I just wasn't flipping though. And as we were kissing later, it was fine enough, but I just wasn't feeling it yet. He asked me to go away with him over the weekend somewhere relaxing and I had to say, no. It's just not fair to go away for the weekend with someone you're not feeling it for yet. So, he said he wanted to take me to dinner during the week. We ended up going to this Japanese restaurant at Magic Castle, an exclusive place, with beautiful views overlooking the hill...completely and excessively romantic. He decided to professes his love for me, how much he liked me and was totally into me - the whole nine yards - which was really nice, but I told him I had to perfectly honest with him - that I just wasn't feeling it yet. I told him he was everything on paper I'd been looking for, the hot fireman that women love, etc., etc., but that the deal was the chemistry, I wasn't there yet and I didn't want to lead him on. So he said he had an idea. He told me he wanted to take me away to the Galapagos Islands. I told him that I don't especially like hikes and nature and that this was like, in my mind, a Darwinian survival of the fittest trip. Then he asked me if I was an affectionate person ... and I'm not one of those women that have to be constantly touching, I like my space... he started saying that he likes to hold hands and he likes to snuggle... and I'm thinking, now you're gonna give me this whole laundry list of requirements that sound like torture to me because I'm not feeling it for you yet?

Eventually, we got back to my place and we were smooching. It was super hot in there, so he took off his over shirt.. he had just a wife-beater on, and out of the corner of my eye, I see these big white things and I look down and ask, "Are those your teeth?" I know I sound like a bitch here, but anyone who knows me well enough knows that this is not me... All I could focus on was his leather string necklace. It had a big medallion like one of those huge 70's medallions with the symbol for fire on it and on either side were two huge teeth. He nonchalantly replies, "Yeah, my wisdom teeth got pulled and I asked if I could keep them so I could keep them close to me because they were a part of me." I said, "But they needed to come out, yeah?" And he said, "Yeah, but I wanted to keep them close to me." And I'm thinking oh my god, what if he got his appendix out?!? Would he fuckin' wear his appendix around his neck?!? I mean, they were these huge rooted things around his neck and I couldn't get past it!!! He says, "You seem very uncomfortable..." And I think, yeah, 'cuz you're wearing fucking teeth around your neck! And I said, "Listen, you know, I'm just not there. Thank you for a very nice night, it couldn't get any more romantic (up until the point of your teeth!). Needless, to say, I never saw him or his teeth again.