Jason's Story: The Name Game

Several months ago I was out on a date with this woman I had met online. The evening was progressing relatively well. We had a great dinner together at this restaurant in Hollywood and followed it up with drinks and dessert at another. It was our third date.

At some point in the evening, the conversation turned to our online dating experiences. In truth, this sort of fascinates me. Hearing of other peoples trials and tribulations over their online dating experiences is akin to watching a train wreck…you just can’t look away. We shared stories of our dating disasters, the uncomfortable moments, the people we’d met that look nothing like the pictures they have posted. The people that lie about their age…etc. She told me that she had been on several dates over the previous few months. So many, that her friends couldn’t keep their names straight…so they actually had made up names for her dates.

One poor guy was dubbed “Hairy” because of his chest hairs that kept popping out from the top of his shirt. One was referred to as “Homer” because apparently over sized rounding belly. Another guy was just referred to as “Doctor” for obvious reasons. As she is telling me all this, it suddenly dawns on me that she’s probably got a name for me too. She did.

“perfect on paper”

What the hell does that mean? I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to be really upset over this or mildly amused. I chose the latter in part because, I too had a made up name for her, but also because I already knew this relationship was going nowhere. Anyway, my friends knew her as “redheaded-psycho-ticketmaster-lawyer-chic-that-is- actually-still-married”.

*snicker, snicker*

Miss G.'s Story: The Flip-Flopper

One very uneventful night out with the girls, months after being brutally heartbroken and not meeting anyone, I met him: The Flip-Flopper.

I was sitting on a community couch in the middle of a place called, The Griffin - a large, cavernous, castle-like bar/lounge in Atwater Village (LA)- with a bunch of girls that didn't drink, talking about things that were not interesting. I decided to saunter over to the bar, alone. I am not one of those girls that need a girlfriend to accompany me everywhere. In fact, I needed to get away from them and be alone for a minute, figure out what I was doing there. I was slouching over the bar, waiting for a drink, when a very charming Irishman started talking to me. I don't even remember what was said, but it was upbeat and witty. His friend started joining in the conversation... something to do with 80's bands and favorite songs to break up to... His friend was cute, and Irish guy mentioned something about being married (I have a LOT of married guy stories in LA) so even though I was having more fun talking to Irish guy, I started talking to cute guy.

I think I was either trying to quit smoking or was going to soon, but me and cute guy ended up grabbing a smoke on the smoking patio. At one point, I started to feel guilty because I totally ditched my friends. Before I could do anything about it, I heard in the distance, "There you are!" It was one of my friends, looking for me. I sheepishly said, "Oh, I'm sooo sorry!" "I got caught up in conversation and forgot to tell you guys." She told me that they were leaving, and I told cute guy I must go and say "'bye"...etc. He asked if I would come back, and I told him I would. Ooh! I was so excited! I apologized profusely to my friends and reminded them how hard it is to meet someone in LA. They were cool.

I went back and had a delightful conversation with Irish guy and cute guy until closing. Cute guy walked me to my car and made for the full on make-out kiss. I was alright with it. I say this because I am not always alright with instant make-out unless there is amazing chemistry. I don't remember if I offered or if he asked, but I gave him a ride to his car. He asked for my number and if we could go out sometime and I said, "Yesss." I told him that I had friends in town that weekend and that we were going to the Big Foot Lodge so I wouldn't be free, and somehow he invited himself as an "I love that place, can I meet you there?" sort of thing. I told him I'd text him the update.

The night rolled around and I texted him what time we were going. He texted that he would try to make it. Whatever, I was with friends, I was actually thinking it wouldn't be the best circumstances. Midnight rolled around, and the friends wanted to go home because they were tired, so we left. I got a text at 1:20 a.m. asking where I was. I told him we left... 1:20 a.m.? What could this guy possibly want from me for 20 minutes left of a bar night, except sex. Rude. I told him I was already home and goodnight.

Sometime during the week, he texted about getting together and every time we made a plan, he flaked out the day before or the day of, saying he was "sick." He apologized, saying that he wasn't really a flake and that he really was sick and that he was too vain to see me while he was sick. That went on for about 3 weeks, at which point, I was like, "Look, if you're sick you're sick, but don't bullshit me. I appreciate honesty, and at this point I don't know what to believe and I don't even remember what you look like anymore." He was a little taken aback but insisted he really was sick. Finally, I think about 3 weeks after the initial meeting, we actually went out. The guy kinda made me pick where to go, and I don't love that. If you ask me out, especially the first time, you should have the plan. I always make the plan, and it's nice to have someone do the work for a change. Anyway, it was fine. I picked some low key sushi place. We had a great time, exchanged hilarious dating stories, talked about books, music, said "We should go do that together!" alot, the whole gamut. We smooched goodbye, and he asked me to do something over the weekend. I said, "Sure." The weekend came and he said he was "sick" again! I think he flaked once more and then MySpaced me that he was really sorry, but could we just be friends?... One of the girls he was telling me about was actually recent and she was having a really hard time with the breakup and was stalking him. I didn't even care anymore, I had enough red flags and I wasn't invested enough, so I said, "Sure, whatever dude." So much drama. I love the guys whose motto is, "I don't want any drama." - 9 times out of 10, they're the ones who are always making it.


So, fine, I expected not to hear from him. I think I invited him to a bar or some event once. One day, he emailed me and asked if I wanted to go see Sweeny Todd... of course I did! Sure...not a date...fine, I have lots of guy friends, so this is what I was thinking. He called and said if I drove to his house, he would drive from there. I got there and he was all a flutter, telling me how he cleaned his truck for me...yada yadda. Huh? He also seemed a little nervous and freshly shaven... etc. Double huh? We ended up going to the bar at the Arclight and having a drink first, having a lovely chat that seemed rather flirtatious. In fact, you could cut the sexual tension with a knife. The whole night went that way, after the movie we went to one of his hangouts and I met some of his friends. We all talked and hung out all night. He got me drinks, it was very date-like. We went back to his house so I could get my car and he asked if I wanted a beer first. I should have said, no. I got the beer, and somehow he moved in for the make-out... I say, "Whoa, whoa, I thought you didn't want to date anyone right now!" "What gives?" Then he tells me, he thought he didn't, but that he was ready now, and he was stupid. The make-out gets heavy, his pants start to come off, and again I say, "Whoa, whoa!" "You go from wanting to be my friend to wanting to date me again in 0-60 and now you want me to sleep with you?" "I need to get to know you a little first, and uh, build that trust back up." Okay, okay, then he asks if I will just sleep over... "no funny stuff." Ha! I know that line. So I leave.

Two days later I get another email saying that he's not really ready to date, and that he is very sorry but can we be friends?...again! I told him in many words plus these two: Fuck Off. This pissed him off. He finally grew some balls to call me at that point, because it was of course about his feelings now, and I think said something to the effect of, "Why are you acting like I killed your puppy?"...or something like that. I told him he was an idiot and hung up on him. A girl could only take so much.

Good thing I am forgiving and let him be my friend again a year later after a very believable apology letter... guess what... pretty much the same thing happened all over again. Big surprise.

Veronica's Story #2: Touch My Dick Guy

This story reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where Elaine goes out with one of Jerry's friends and the guy "takes it out" on the first date.

So I ran into this guy down here in LA that I previously met through a friend who had dated him in the past. My friend would tell you to date this guy...very sweet guy, very cool. I was very attracted to him, so we exchanged information. He worked for a label and we met up and he gave me a whole bagful of cd's and then invited me to go see 30 Seconds to Mars. I was dying to see them and I thought he was hot, I mean I really felt chemistry with this guy, so I'm thinking, yes. I checked in with my friend, and I said, "Listen, I know you dated this guy and I'm not the girl that goes and does this, but he lives in LA and you live in New York... you guys aren't boyfriend-girlfriend... do you mind if I...." and she said, "Oh my god! If you two can make something work out, I'm totally supportive... because he's fantastic, and you're fantastic, I'm all for it if you can make something work out." I got the blessing...

A couple weeks before the show, he asked me out to dinner. We went to dinner and he seemed nervous, really nervous, so I asked him if he wanted to go for a walk around the block. I was just trying to make him feel comfortable... it was loud and just uneasy in there. So we're walking on Fairfax Ave. (a very busy LA street) and we enter the cross street of Santa Monica Blvd. (another very busy LA street)...it's super hectic, trafficky... not especially intimate... he takes my face and starts kissing me... We weren't kissing for more than 30 seconds when he takes my hand and puts it on his hard dick. He says, "Look how excited you get me!" I take my hand off, put it on his face and I say, "For now, I like kissing you." We're kissing another 30 seconds - now mind you this is the first kiss, this is not someone I've known or I've been out with very long - literally 30 seconds later takes my hand again and says, "Look how hard you get me." And I say, "Listen, I'd like to get to know you. You seem really cool and I'd like to get to know you first. He says, "We could do that at my place..." and I say, "Listen, I am not going home with you tonight. I don't sleep around anymore, I'd like to get to know people before i sleep with them at this point in my life." Now, the thing is, that this is a guy I was really excited about, and here he was trying to pick up the pace and I mean, we were standing on Fairfax and he expected me to take my hand and put it on his dick. So I go, "Listen, I'm gonna slow things down, I'm gonna go home and I'm gonna look forward to hanging out again.

I left gracefully. Earlier that night, I was complaining that the heat in my apartment wasn't working so I was gonna be freezing. I got home and he called me up and he asked, "So are you home already? I just wanted to make sure you got home OK... and I go, "Oh, that's sweet." He goes, have you changed for bed yet? and i go, "Well i'm about to... and he goes, "So, what are you wearing now?" He tries to have phone sex with me! So I ended up getting really pissed about the whole situation, but he kept calling me. He says, "Listen, what happened? I thought there was something there?" and i go, "Listen, I was really bothered that you kept taking my hand and putting it on your dick. I'm not 15, I know you have a dick, I know where it is, and I know exactly what to do with it and I'll get there. I understand when I was 15 I needed the introduction, but I'm good at 30, I'm down with the dick and I'll get there on my own time!" He's like, "Listen, you were getting me so hot, I just wanted you to know how hot you were getting me." And I go, "Within the first kiss?" I've never had anyone in all my years of dating...I mean, he hadn't even copped a feel, not even touched a boob, literally in the middle of the first kiss took my hand and put it on his dick.

What a dick.

Mishka's Story: The Booger Man

This is short and sweet. It probably doesn't even count as a valid story, but at least it's good for a laugh.

I was out with this really cute guy who tried to kiss me at the end of the night, but he had a gigantic booger hanging out of his nose, so I turned my cheek and hugged him instead. When I got home, I found it in my hair!!!! Ewwww.

Veronica's Story #1: Teeth Guy

So, a guy wrote me through MySpace a while ago saying, "Listen, I know it says on your profile that you don't want to add anyone that you don't know, but you have super cool music tastes and I know it says not to write you but I just wanted to say, hello." So I think, oh, the guy's not bad. For about a year we wrote each other, basically just exchanging travel tips. I don't usually write people back much. He'd ask me if I'd been to London, etc., I would write back giving him tips on where he should go, and he'd write me back with more tips about places he'd gone, including those that I told him to go to. I invited him to my birthday party at On the Rox not too long ago - it was just sort of a friendly gesture, I invited tons of people there. He couldn't make it because he was a fireman and there was an outbreak of wildfires at the time that he had to tend to, but he wrote me that he made me two cd's for my birthday and would love to meet up for a drink with me. At this point I was doing internet dating, going on like two dates a weekend, so I figured, why not?

He lived all the way up by Magic Mountain so I met him at a Starbucks in Sherman Oaks - he picked it, I wouldn't have picked Sherman Oaks. He had all these maps laid out to show me Costa Rica 'cuz he'd gone on a trip to Costa Rica and I was looking to go to the Caribbean. He showed me that and gave me the two cd's he'd made me. I was happy because one of the cd's had a new song on it that I was loving, loving, loving. He seemed cool enough, so we got together for dinner at a Greek restaurant in Sherman Oaks and I had a decent time with him. Then he wanted to go to a bar but I was feeling antsy so I said, no. I mean he was nice enough and he was super interesting... had a job, worked for the FBI, did work to help after 911, made his own wood furniture, etc., but something wasn't right.

So, he invited me over to his house for dinner later that week. He was gonna make me dinner, so I went over. I brought my dog Emerson, he showed me all the furniture he made, his dog and my dog loved each other, ... he bought Chianti for me, he made homemade bruschetta, he owned his own home, was stable, had a job... on paper he was literally everything I was saying I was looking for. I just wasn't flipping though. And as we were kissing later, it was fine enough, but I just wasn't feeling it yet. He asked me to go away with him over the weekend somewhere relaxing and I had to say, no. It's just not fair to go away for the weekend with someone you're not feeling it for yet. So, he said he wanted to take me to dinner during the week. We ended up going to this Japanese restaurant at Magic Castle, an exclusive place, with beautiful views overlooking the hill...completely and excessively romantic. He decided to professes his love for me, how much he liked me and was totally into me - the whole nine yards - which was really nice, but I told him I had to perfectly honest with him - that I just wasn't feeling it yet. I told him he was everything on paper I'd been looking for, the hot fireman that women love, etc., etc., but that the deal was the chemistry, I wasn't there yet and I didn't want to lead him on. So he said he had an idea. He told me he wanted to take me away to the Galapagos Islands. I told him that I don't especially like hikes and nature and that this was like, in my mind, a Darwinian survival of the fittest trip. Then he asked me if I was an affectionate person ... and I'm not one of those women that have to be constantly touching, I like my space... he started saying that he likes to hold hands and he likes to snuggle... and I'm thinking, now you're gonna give me this whole laundry list of requirements that sound like torture to me because I'm not feeling it for you yet?

Eventually, we got back to my place and we were smooching. It was super hot in there, so he took off his over shirt.. he had just a wife-beater on, and out of the corner of my eye, I see these big white things and I look down and ask, "Are those your teeth?" I know I sound like a bitch here, but anyone who knows me well enough knows that this is not me... All I could focus on was his leather string necklace. It had a big medallion like one of those huge 70's medallions with the symbol for fire on it and on either side were two huge teeth. He nonchalantly replies, "Yeah, my wisdom teeth got pulled and I asked if I could keep them so I could keep them close to me because they were a part of me." I said, "But they needed to come out, yeah?" And he said, "Yeah, but I wanted to keep them close to me." And I'm thinking oh my god, what if he got his appendix out?!? Would he fuckin' wear his appendix around his neck?!? I mean, they were these huge rooted things around his neck and I couldn't get past it!!! He says, "You seem very uncomfortable..." And I think, yeah, 'cuz you're wearing fucking teeth around your neck! And I said, "Listen, you know, I'm just not there. Thank you for a very nice night, it couldn't get any more romantic (up until the point of your teeth!). Needless, to say, I never saw him or his teeth again.

Miss G.'s Story: Adventures in Date Sitting

The first, but, not the worst dating horror story I have to tell.

I was at a Christmas party in a loft downtown a few years back, when a tall, artsy, good-looking guy sidled up beside me under the Christmas tree and began to chat me up. I was mildly interested. He seemed real and down to earth enough. He told me he drew a cat comic for a local jazz magazine, which peaked my interest and lightened his rather serious seeming demeanor. I don't normally care what people do for a living, but I love drawing, I love jazz, and I love cats...sold. Before leaving, he asked if I would like to go for coffee with him sometime. I agreed.

Two days later (record time for LA), he called and asked me if instead of coffee, I'd like to go to a gallery that his friend was showing at. Of course! Like I said, I like art. One day later, he called and asked if I also liked noodles, and would I like to do that too. Um, ok guy. The day arrived. He called and asked if I could pick him up because he didn't have a car. Now, I am happy to oblige, really, I am quite an easy going person ....until... he told me he lived downtown and the gallery was in West Hollywood. Ok, now... I am supposed to go from my house in Silverlake to pick him up from downtown, drive to West Hollywood, and then back to Little Tokyo for noodles and then, he adds later, a party in Hollywood? Are you serious? Four words ran through my head - son.of.a.bitch. Lots of red flags popped up and I of course brushed them away because I was not yet told that a bunch of red flags does not mean it's a parade (thanks Kelley). I express irritation. A LOT of irritation. I do not need this date.

Somehow, this guy played on my emotions and swindled me into going along with the date, saying that he'd pay for parking and that we'd get into the gallery free. I swear I asked my best friend if I should cancel at least five times. I am not one for regret though, and what did I have to lose? So, I picked him up. He lived in a transient hotel downtown and his room was adorned with velvet wallpaper. My first thought was ...vampire (but not in a good way).

Somehow, I ended up paying for parking, and he didn't end up getting us into the gallery for free, so he paid. Then he paid for a drink each for us. Note, this all adds up to around 20 bucks. The art was so-so and there was too much going on for much dialogue between us. Soon, I begrudgingly took us back downtown to the Little Tokyo area and we sat down in a crowded noodle shop. I am still optimistic that the noodles will be good and that we will have interesting conversation. As I now know all to well about LA men, I was about to endure over an hour of talk all about him, him, him. Some guys brag about their job, what they like, where they've been, who they know... some go on incessantly about their childhoods or past relationships. Some don't even have conversations, they just quote movies and make jokes. Whatever the case....ew. This one, went on and on about his childhood, and how he found out his dad was gay. This was when he started crying. Did I mention he'd only had one drink? I consoled him for at least 30 minutes, barely able to eat and desperately wanting the check. Finally it came. The bill was, I think $18. Now, I did not expect him to pay for me at this point. I just wanted to go home. Not only did he not pay for me, but he couldn't even cover his own half. Are you kidding, you ask? I wish. In this moment, I really wish I was the bitch some people want me to be. I think of going to the bathroom and ditching him. I think of sliding my bowl of noodles across the table and onto his lap. I think of just getting up and walking away. Instead, I end up resentfully paying. I also tell him I am not up for going to the party anymore. Now, dear readers, please be clear... if he didn't have that much money, I was totally fine with that...but don't make such an elaborate date and only take $25 out with you. I would have been thrilled with just a cup of coffee that I paid for myself.

After screeching to a halt in front of his door, he not only tried to make out with me, but also tried to get me to come up to his lair for some "sherry." HE apparently thought the date was going well. Somehow I got him to leave without actually having to kick him repeatedly. He continued to call me for two weeks to try to get another date and give my money back though. I did not return the calls.