Kimberly: I Can't Date You If.....

I was having a conversation with a male friend of mine the other day
about dating, and he said that it gets difficult dating older women
because, as they age, they mentally compile a list of "dos and don'ts"
that they require from a man after all those years of dating
dissatisfaction. After only a moment of contemplation, I realized that
HE IS COMPLETELY CORRECT! AND THAT IS A FANTASTIC IDEA! So, as I've
already begun down that road, let me continue, again in the interest
of, yet, saving more of "one's time".

Please, if any of these directly apply to you, do not be OFFENDED. I
am not suggesting in any way that you are somehow a bad person. I am
just very simply stating…..that I cannot date you.

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF your name is Gerald, Wayne, Dwayne, Tony, Dick,
Pepe or Sheldon

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF you have an Upper/Great Lakes/Midwestern accent
and pronounce my name "Keet".

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF you have a pet scorpion.

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF you really really really like chicken fingers A LOT.

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF you say "pacifically" instead of "specifically"
or tell me that your Grandfather died of "prostrate" cancer.

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF you start a conversation with me as the
following: "One time, I was fucking this chick…."

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF you refer to Prince as "that little faggot".

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF you have marijuana paraphernalia prominently
displayed on your living room coffee table at all times

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF you own a girly car. If you have to ask me what a
"girly car" is, chances are that you have one.

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF you own one or more of the following:

a long, duster cowboy coat but no horse
a retractable pool cue
your own bowling ball
wrap-around Oakley Blades OR a sparkly bass boat
a current MAD magazine
a cat named Yankee-Doodle
patterned polo shirts or jean shorts
framed tickets from the Las Vegas Porn Convention. I don't care that
your mom was working there.
a stand alone CD holder shaped like a guitar or a martini glass
I CANNOT DATE YOU IF you "used to be" gay

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF I ask you what exactly you blew your inheritance
on, and your answer is "I dunno".

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF you think it's OKAY to show me your PENIS the
first time I MEET YOU.

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF you have a decal of Hobbes pissing on a "Chevy"
or "Ford" logo in your back window (Southern people are nodding their
heads right now)



I CANNOT DATE YOU IF you are so addicted to pain pills that you invite
me to go skiing on Wednesday, and then wake up Thursday morning only
to ask me what the luggage is for.

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF you make the sound "HAAAACCCCCHHXXXXKKKHHCCHT" regularly

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF the mother of your children has been a stripper
for ten years and somehow it's okay

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF you have black sheets

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF you have worn that purple or red "pimp" costume
to a Halloween party within the last five years and thought it was
really cool.

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF you went to ITT Tech, University of Phoenix, or
any college that has a classroom within 20 feet of a Popeye's Chicken.

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF you wear guyliner

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF you are so out of shape, that after sex, you
exclaim "Wow. I feel like I'm going to puke".

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF your butt is smaller than mine

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF you wear Tommy Bahama shirts

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF I catch you mapping out war strategies for your
Paint Ball Club

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF you say "excuse me but I have to tinkle"

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF there are turkeys printed on your couch

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF your idea of a compliment is to say "Dammit Kate,
You're hotter than a two-dicked-billy-goat"

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF you wear man clogs

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF you drink Apple Martinis in public

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF you call the girls on Sex And The City "Ugly Whores"

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF wear terry cloth wrist bands when you're not
playing racquetball

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF you think Ryan Adams wrote, "Cuts Like a Knife"
and Kurt Vonnegut played for the Braves

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF you put your cigarettes out in my plants

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF you walk out the door to go for a bike ride and
don't come back until two days later, without the bike.

And finally:

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF you play too much golf. Seriously. A round of
golf takes, like, 6 hours or more. I had a boyfriend who played golf
every free second of his life. He never had time to do anything else.
I kept telling him that he was going to waste his life playing golf.
Then he died. You think I'm kidding. His epitaph should read: "I
played golf and then I died." Trust me, there can be too much golf.

Kimberly

Hollywood

Kimberly's Story: I'm So Amazing, I'm Undateable

Men in LA seem to want wrecks. The more successful and together i
become, the more my love life suffers. Case in point: I dated this guy
for a little over a month pretty seriously when he broke it off with
me. He spent an hour telling me how wonderful i was. Then i received a
long email telling me that i was "literally" the "coolest girl' he
had "EVER" dated "hands down", and never has he dated some even
"remotely as attractive", and on and on. Nevertheless, things had to
end because he was very recently divorced and "hadn't healed" and
"needed to find himself" and "spend time alone" blah blah blah.

Very soon after I met another guy who i instantly fell for, who seemed
to, in every way imaginable, fall for me for a few magical weeks.
Gazed into my eyes at dinner stating "Wow you are beautiful",
shivering like a little girl when i touched his arm "Oh we have so
much chemistry", spend an hour on IM flirting with me and sending me
sexy pics the night before we were to go to dinner because "2 days is
way too long" to go without seeing each other...i could go on...to
only, shockingly, dump the FUCK out of at dinner that night, after we
laughed like hell and had an amazing intelligent conversation, at a
restaurant we both loved. why you ask? he "just wasn't feelin' it". I
then wrote him a quick email about how he caught me completely off
guard, never had someone seemed so into me, and asked what happened
after speculating about a few categories in which i may have fallen
short. He wrote me back a long email...telling me how amazing i am.
Sex was "sooo great", i was "so funny", "anyone's intellectual match",
he felt "completely comfortable and relaxed" around me, i never "acted
weird or too aggressive"...etc. BUT..he wasn't feeling it "deep down
inside". huh.

One of my best girlfriends was dumped in the exact same way, by a guy
with the same first name, on the same day. Guess what...he went on and
on about how fabulous she was and then DUMPED HER ASS. Our sumation?
WE ARE SO AMAZING THAT WE ARE SIMPLY UNDATEABLE.