Kimberly: I Can't Date You If.....

I was having a conversation with a male friend of mine the other day
about dating, and he said that it gets difficult dating older women
because, as they age, they mentally compile a list of "dos and don'ts"
that they require from a man after all those years of dating
dissatisfaction. After only a moment of contemplation, I realized that
HE IS COMPLETELY CORRECT! AND THAT IS A FANTASTIC IDEA! So, as I've
already begun down that road, let me continue, again in the interest
of, yet, saving more of "one's time".

Please, if any of these directly apply to you, do not be OFFENDED. I
am not suggesting in any way that you are somehow a bad person. I am
just very simply stating…..that I cannot date you.

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF your name is Gerald, Wayne, Dwayne, Tony, Dick,
Pepe or Sheldon

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF you have an Upper/Great Lakes/Midwestern accent
and pronounce my name "Keet".

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF you have a pet scorpion.

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF you really really really like chicken fingers A LOT.

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF you say "pacifically" instead of "specifically"
or tell me that your Grandfather died of "prostrate" cancer.

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF you start a conversation with me as the
following: "One time, I was fucking this chick…."

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF you refer to Prince as "that little faggot".

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF you have marijuana paraphernalia prominently
displayed on your living room coffee table at all times

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF you own a girly car. If you have to ask me what a
"girly car" is, chances are that you have one.

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF you own one or more of the following:

a long, duster cowboy coat but no horse
a retractable pool cue
your own bowling ball
wrap-around Oakley Blades OR a sparkly bass boat
a current MAD magazine
a cat named Yankee-Doodle
patterned polo shirts or jean shorts
framed tickets from the Las Vegas Porn Convention. I don't care that
your mom was working there.
a stand alone CD holder shaped like a guitar or a martini glass
I CANNOT DATE YOU IF you "used to be" gay

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF I ask you what exactly you blew your inheritance
on, and your answer is "I dunno".

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF you think it's OKAY to show me your PENIS the
first time I MEET YOU.

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF you have a decal of Hobbes pissing on a "Chevy"
or "Ford" logo in your back window (Southern people are nodding their
heads right now)



I CANNOT DATE YOU IF you are so addicted to pain pills that you invite
me to go skiing on Wednesday, and then wake up Thursday morning only
to ask me what the luggage is for.

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF you make the sound "HAAAACCCCCHHXXXXKKKHHCCHT" regularly

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF the mother of your children has been a stripper
for ten years and somehow it's okay

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF you have black sheets

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF you have worn that purple or red "pimp" costume
to a Halloween party within the last five years and thought it was
really cool.

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF you went to ITT Tech, University of Phoenix, or
any college that has a classroom within 20 feet of a Popeye's Chicken.

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF you wear guyliner

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF you are so out of shape, that after sex, you
exclaim "Wow. I feel like I'm going to puke".

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF your butt is smaller than mine

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF you wear Tommy Bahama shirts

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF I catch you mapping out war strategies for your
Paint Ball Club

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF you say "excuse me but I have to tinkle"

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF there are turkeys printed on your couch

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF your idea of a compliment is to say "Dammit Kate,
You're hotter than a two-dicked-billy-goat"

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF you wear man clogs

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF you drink Apple Martinis in public

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF you call the girls on Sex And The City "Ugly Whores"

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF wear terry cloth wrist bands when you're not
playing racquetball

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF you think Ryan Adams wrote, "Cuts Like a Knife"
and Kurt Vonnegut played for the Braves

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF you put your cigarettes out in my plants

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF you walk out the door to go for a bike ride and
don't come back until two days later, without the bike.

And finally:

I CANNOT DATE YOU IF you play too much golf. Seriously. A round of
golf takes, like, 6 hours or more. I had a boyfriend who played golf
every free second of his life. He never had time to do anything else.
I kept telling him that he was going to waste his life playing golf.
Then he died. You think I'm kidding. His epitaph should read: "I
played golf and then I died." Trust me, there can be too much golf.

Kimberly

Hollywood

Kimberly's Story: I'm So Amazing, I'm Undateable

Men in LA seem to want wrecks. The more successful and together i
become, the more my love life suffers. Case in point: I dated this guy
for a little over a month pretty seriously when he broke it off with
me. He spent an hour telling me how wonderful i was. Then i received a
long email telling me that i was "literally" the "coolest girl' he
had "EVER" dated "hands down", and never has he dated some even
"remotely as attractive", and on and on. Nevertheless, things had to
end because he was very recently divorced and "hadn't healed" and
"needed to find himself" and "spend time alone" blah blah blah.

Very soon after I met another guy who i instantly fell for, who seemed
to, in every way imaginable, fall for me for a few magical weeks.
Gazed into my eyes at dinner stating "Wow you are beautiful",
shivering like a little girl when i touched his arm "Oh we have so
much chemistry", spend an hour on IM flirting with me and sending me
sexy pics the night before we were to go to dinner because "2 days is
way too long" to go without seeing each other...i could go on...to
only, shockingly, dump the FUCK out of at dinner that night, after we
laughed like hell and had an amazing intelligent conversation, at a
restaurant we both loved. why you ask? he "just wasn't feelin' it". I
then wrote him a quick email about how he caught me completely off
guard, never had someone seemed so into me, and asked what happened
after speculating about a few categories in which i may have fallen
short. He wrote me back a long email...telling me how amazing i am.
Sex was "sooo great", i was "so funny", "anyone's intellectual match",
he felt "completely comfortable and relaxed" around me, i never "acted
weird or too aggressive"...etc. BUT..he wasn't feeling it "deep down
inside". huh.

One of my best girlfriends was dumped in the exact same way, by a guy
with the same first name, on the same day. Guess what...he went on and
on about how fabulous she was and then DUMPED HER ASS. Our sumation?
WE ARE SO AMAZING THAT WE ARE SIMPLY UNDATEABLE.

Jason's Story: The Name Game

Several months ago I was out on a date with this woman I had met online. The evening was progressing relatively well. We had a great dinner together at this restaurant in Hollywood and followed it up with drinks and dessert at another. It was our third date.

At some point in the evening, the conversation turned to our online dating experiences. In truth, this sort of fascinates me. Hearing of other peoples trials and tribulations over their online dating experiences is akin to watching a train wreck…you just can’t look away. We shared stories of our dating disasters, the uncomfortable moments, the people we’d met that look nothing like the pictures they have posted. The people that lie about their age…etc. She told me that she had been on several dates over the previous few months. So many, that her friends couldn’t keep their names straight…so they actually had made up names for her dates.

One poor guy was dubbed “Hairy” because of his chest hairs that kept popping out from the top of his shirt. One was referred to as “Homer” because apparently over sized rounding belly. Another guy was just referred to as “Doctor” for obvious reasons. As she is telling me all this, it suddenly dawns on me that she’s probably got a name for me too. She did.

“perfect on paper”

What the hell does that mean? I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to be really upset over this or mildly amused. I chose the latter in part because, I too had a made up name for her, but also because I already knew this relationship was going nowhere. Anyway, my friends knew her as “redheaded-psycho-ticketmaster-lawyer-chic-that-is- actually-still-married”.

*snicker, snicker*

Miss G.'s Story: The Flip-Flopper

One very uneventful night out with the girls, months after being brutally heartbroken and not meeting anyone, I met him: The Flip-Flopper.

I was sitting on a community couch in the middle of a place called, The Griffin - a large, cavernous, castle-like bar/lounge in Atwater Village (LA)- with a bunch of girls that didn't drink, talking about things that were not interesting. I decided to saunter over to the bar, alone. I am not one of those girls that need a girlfriend to accompany me everywhere. In fact, I needed to get away from them and be alone for a minute, figure out what I was doing there. I was slouching over the bar, waiting for a drink, when a very charming Irishman started talking to me. I don't even remember what was said, but it was upbeat and witty. His friend started joining in the conversation... something to do with 80's bands and favorite songs to break up to... His friend was cute, and Irish guy mentioned something about being married (I have a LOT of married guy stories in LA) so even though I was having more fun talking to Irish guy, I started talking to cute guy.

I think I was either trying to quit smoking or was going to soon, but me and cute guy ended up grabbing a smoke on the smoking patio. At one point, I started to feel guilty because I totally ditched my friends. Before I could do anything about it, I heard in the distance, "There you are!" It was one of my friends, looking for me. I sheepishly said, "Oh, I'm sooo sorry!" "I got caught up in conversation and forgot to tell you guys." She told me that they were leaving, and I told cute guy I must go and say "'bye"...etc. He asked if I would come back, and I told him I would. Ooh! I was so excited! I apologized profusely to my friends and reminded them how hard it is to meet someone in LA. They were cool.

I went back and had a delightful conversation with Irish guy and cute guy until closing. Cute guy walked me to my car and made for the full on make-out kiss. I was alright with it. I say this because I am not always alright with instant make-out unless there is amazing chemistry. I don't remember if I offered or if he asked, but I gave him a ride to his car. He asked for my number and if we could go out sometime and I said, "Yesss." I told him that I had friends in town that weekend and that we were going to the Big Foot Lodge so I wouldn't be free, and somehow he invited himself as an "I love that place, can I meet you there?" sort of thing. I told him I'd text him the update.

The night rolled around and I texted him what time we were going. He texted that he would try to make it. Whatever, I was with friends, I was actually thinking it wouldn't be the best circumstances. Midnight rolled around, and the friends wanted to go home because they were tired, so we left. I got a text at 1:20 a.m. asking where I was. I told him we left... 1:20 a.m.? What could this guy possibly want from me for 20 minutes left of a bar night, except sex. Rude. I told him I was already home and goodnight.

Sometime during the week, he texted about getting together and every time we made a plan, he flaked out the day before or the day of, saying he was "sick." He apologized, saying that he wasn't really a flake and that he really was sick and that he was too vain to see me while he was sick. That went on for about 3 weeks, at which point, I was like, "Look, if you're sick you're sick, but don't bullshit me. I appreciate honesty, and at this point I don't know what to believe and I don't even remember what you look like anymore." He was a little taken aback but insisted he really was sick. Finally, I think about 3 weeks after the initial meeting, we actually went out. The guy kinda made me pick where to go, and I don't love that. If you ask me out, especially the first time, you should have the plan. I always make the plan, and it's nice to have someone do the work for a change. Anyway, it was fine. I picked some low key sushi place. We had a great time, exchanged hilarious dating stories, talked about books, music, said "We should go do that together!" alot, the whole gamut. We smooched goodbye, and he asked me to do something over the weekend. I said, "Sure." The weekend came and he said he was "sick" again! I think he flaked once more and then MySpaced me that he was really sorry, but could we just be friends?... One of the girls he was telling me about was actually recent and she was having a really hard time with the breakup and was stalking him. I didn't even care anymore, I had enough red flags and I wasn't invested enough, so I said, "Sure, whatever dude." So much drama. I love the guys whose motto is, "I don't want any drama." - 9 times out of 10, they're the ones who are always making it.


So, fine, I expected not to hear from him. I think I invited him to a bar or some event once. One day, he emailed me and asked if I wanted to go see Sweeny Todd... of course I did! Sure...not a date...fine, I have lots of guy friends, so this is what I was thinking. He called and said if I drove to his house, he would drive from there. I got there and he was all a flutter, telling me how he cleaned his truck for me...yada yadda. Huh? He also seemed a little nervous and freshly shaven... etc. Double huh? We ended up going to the bar at the Arclight and having a drink first, having a lovely chat that seemed rather flirtatious. In fact, you could cut the sexual tension with a knife. The whole night went that way, after the movie we went to one of his hangouts and I met some of his friends. We all talked and hung out all night. He got me drinks, it was very date-like. We went back to his house so I could get my car and he asked if I wanted a beer first. I should have said, no. I got the beer, and somehow he moved in for the make-out... I say, "Whoa, whoa, I thought you didn't want to date anyone right now!" "What gives?" Then he tells me, he thought he didn't, but that he was ready now, and he was stupid. The make-out gets heavy, his pants start to come off, and again I say, "Whoa, whoa!" "You go from wanting to be my friend to wanting to date me again in 0-60 and now you want me to sleep with you?" "I need to get to know you a little first, and uh, build that trust back up." Okay, okay, then he asks if I will just sleep over... "no funny stuff." Ha! I know that line. So I leave.

Two days later I get another email saying that he's not really ready to date, and that he is very sorry but can we be friends?...again! I told him in many words plus these two: Fuck Off. This pissed him off. He finally grew some balls to call me at that point, because it was of course about his feelings now, and I think said something to the effect of, "Why are you acting like I killed your puppy?"...or something like that. I told him he was an idiot and hung up on him. A girl could only take so much.

Good thing I am forgiving and let him be my friend again a year later after a very believable apology letter... guess what... pretty much the same thing happened all over again. Big surprise.

Veronica's Story #2: Touch My Dick Guy

This story reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where Elaine goes out with one of Jerry's friends and the guy "takes it out" on the first date.

So I ran into this guy down here in LA that I previously met through a friend who had dated him in the past. My friend would tell you to date this guy...very sweet guy, very cool. I was very attracted to him, so we exchanged information. He worked for a label and we met up and he gave me a whole bagful of cd's and then invited me to go see 30 Seconds to Mars. I was dying to see them and I thought he was hot, I mean I really felt chemistry with this guy, so I'm thinking, yes. I checked in with my friend, and I said, "Listen, I know you dated this guy and I'm not the girl that goes and does this, but he lives in LA and you live in New York... you guys aren't boyfriend-girlfriend... do you mind if I...." and she said, "Oh my god! If you two can make something work out, I'm totally supportive... because he's fantastic, and you're fantastic, I'm all for it if you can make something work out." I got the blessing...

A couple weeks before the show, he asked me out to dinner. We went to dinner and he seemed nervous, really nervous, so I asked him if he wanted to go for a walk around the block. I was just trying to make him feel comfortable... it was loud and just uneasy in there. So we're walking on Fairfax Ave. (a very busy LA street) and we enter the cross street of Santa Monica Blvd. (another very busy LA street)...it's super hectic, trafficky... not especially intimate... he takes my face and starts kissing me... We weren't kissing for more than 30 seconds when he takes my hand and puts it on his hard dick. He says, "Look how excited you get me!" I take my hand off, put it on his face and I say, "For now, I like kissing you." We're kissing another 30 seconds - now mind you this is the first kiss, this is not someone I've known or I've been out with very long - literally 30 seconds later takes my hand again and says, "Look how hard you get me." And I say, "Listen, I'd like to get to know you. You seem really cool and I'd like to get to know you first. He says, "We could do that at my place..." and I say, "Listen, I am not going home with you tonight. I don't sleep around anymore, I'd like to get to know people before i sleep with them at this point in my life." Now, the thing is, that this is a guy I was really excited about, and here he was trying to pick up the pace and I mean, we were standing on Fairfax and he expected me to take my hand and put it on his dick. So I go, "Listen, I'm gonna slow things down, I'm gonna go home and I'm gonna look forward to hanging out again.

I left gracefully. Earlier that night, I was complaining that the heat in my apartment wasn't working so I was gonna be freezing. I got home and he called me up and he asked, "So are you home already? I just wanted to make sure you got home OK... and I go, "Oh, that's sweet." He goes, have you changed for bed yet? and i go, "Well i'm about to... and he goes, "So, what are you wearing now?" He tries to have phone sex with me! So I ended up getting really pissed about the whole situation, but he kept calling me. He says, "Listen, what happened? I thought there was something there?" and i go, "Listen, I was really bothered that you kept taking my hand and putting it on your dick. I'm not 15, I know you have a dick, I know where it is, and I know exactly what to do with it and I'll get there. I understand when I was 15 I needed the introduction, but I'm good at 30, I'm down with the dick and I'll get there on my own time!" He's like, "Listen, you were getting me so hot, I just wanted you to know how hot you were getting me." And I go, "Within the first kiss?" I've never had anyone in all my years of dating...I mean, he hadn't even copped a feel, not even touched a boob, literally in the middle of the first kiss took my hand and put it on his dick.

What a dick.

Mishka's Story: The Booger Man

This is short and sweet. It probably doesn't even count as a valid story, but at least it's good for a laugh.

I was out with this really cute guy who tried to kiss me at the end of the night, but he had a gigantic booger hanging out of his nose, so I turned my cheek and hugged him instead. When I got home, I found it in my hair!!!! Ewwww.

Veronica's Story #1: Teeth Guy

So, a guy wrote me through MySpace a while ago saying, "Listen, I know it says on your profile that you don't want to add anyone that you don't know, but you have super cool music tastes and I know it says not to write you but I just wanted to say, hello." So I think, oh, the guy's not bad. For about a year we wrote each other, basically just exchanging travel tips. I don't usually write people back much. He'd ask me if I'd been to London, etc., I would write back giving him tips on where he should go, and he'd write me back with more tips about places he'd gone, including those that I told him to go to. I invited him to my birthday party at On the Rox not too long ago - it was just sort of a friendly gesture, I invited tons of people there. He couldn't make it because he was a fireman and there was an outbreak of wildfires at the time that he had to tend to, but he wrote me that he made me two cd's for my birthday and would love to meet up for a drink with me. At this point I was doing internet dating, going on like two dates a weekend, so I figured, why not?

He lived all the way up by Magic Mountain so I met him at a Starbucks in Sherman Oaks - he picked it, I wouldn't have picked Sherman Oaks. He had all these maps laid out to show me Costa Rica 'cuz he'd gone on a trip to Costa Rica and I was looking to go to the Caribbean. He showed me that and gave me the two cd's he'd made me. I was happy because one of the cd's had a new song on it that I was loving, loving, loving. He seemed cool enough, so we got together for dinner at a Greek restaurant in Sherman Oaks and I had a decent time with him. Then he wanted to go to a bar but I was feeling antsy so I said, no. I mean he was nice enough and he was super interesting... had a job, worked for the FBI, did work to help after 911, made his own wood furniture, etc., but something wasn't right.

So, he invited me over to his house for dinner later that week. He was gonna make me dinner, so I went over. I brought my dog Emerson, he showed me all the furniture he made, his dog and my dog loved each other, ... he bought Chianti for me, he made homemade bruschetta, he owned his own home, was stable, had a job... on paper he was literally everything I was saying I was looking for. I just wasn't flipping though. And as we were kissing later, it was fine enough, but I just wasn't feeling it yet. He asked me to go away with him over the weekend somewhere relaxing and I had to say, no. It's just not fair to go away for the weekend with someone you're not feeling it for yet. So, he said he wanted to take me to dinner during the week. We ended up going to this Japanese restaurant at Magic Castle, an exclusive place, with beautiful views overlooking the hill...completely and excessively romantic. He decided to professes his love for me, how much he liked me and was totally into me - the whole nine yards - which was really nice, but I told him I had to perfectly honest with him - that I just wasn't feeling it yet. I told him he was everything on paper I'd been looking for, the hot fireman that women love, etc., etc., but that the deal was the chemistry, I wasn't there yet and I didn't want to lead him on. So he said he had an idea. He told me he wanted to take me away to the Galapagos Islands. I told him that I don't especially like hikes and nature and that this was like, in my mind, a Darwinian survival of the fittest trip. Then he asked me if I was an affectionate person ... and I'm not one of those women that have to be constantly touching, I like my space... he started saying that he likes to hold hands and he likes to snuggle... and I'm thinking, now you're gonna give me this whole laundry list of requirements that sound like torture to me because I'm not feeling it for you yet?

Eventually, we got back to my place and we were smooching. It was super hot in there, so he took off his over shirt.. he had just a wife-beater on, and out of the corner of my eye, I see these big white things and I look down and ask, "Are those your teeth?" I know I sound like a bitch here, but anyone who knows me well enough knows that this is not me... All I could focus on was his leather string necklace. It had a big medallion like one of those huge 70's medallions with the symbol for fire on it and on either side were two huge teeth. He nonchalantly replies, "Yeah, my wisdom teeth got pulled and I asked if I could keep them so I could keep them close to me because they were a part of me." I said, "But they needed to come out, yeah?" And he said, "Yeah, but I wanted to keep them close to me." And I'm thinking oh my god, what if he got his appendix out?!? Would he fuckin' wear his appendix around his neck?!? I mean, they were these huge rooted things around his neck and I couldn't get past it!!! He says, "You seem very uncomfortable..." And I think, yeah, 'cuz you're wearing fucking teeth around your neck! And I said, "Listen, you know, I'm just not there. Thank you for a very nice night, it couldn't get any more romantic (up until the point of your teeth!). Needless, to say, I never saw him or his teeth again.